The Problem With Summer… June 28, 2008

The problem…it’s a doozie-whopper. Not exactly but…well, it’s like this…

It’s just NOT so easy to blog during the summer, it seems.

I’m busy entertaining my son who refuses to go to camp.

I’m busy being addicted to working out on the wii fit.

I’m busy chasing my scantily clad 4 y/o son.

I’m just…well…so busy.

While it’s nice to be busy…I kind of miss blogging and all of you!

But…next week. Probably after the 4th…I hope to be back.

In the meantime…have a wonderful, safe, fantastic, terrific, awesome, stupendous and…phenomenal weekend. And, if I don’t have a chance to visit you…have a safe, fantastic, terrific, awesome, stupendous and…phenomenal 4th of JULY!!!

XOXO

Waiting… June 26, 2008

Life…

You wait 20 or more years to find the “perfect” spouse. Someone that you can envision growing old and infirm with. Someone who you can picture living with in the house with the white picket fence, 2.3 kids and a station wagon…or a minivan…or a flexfuel, hybrid SUV.

Well, that day comes. You meet him/her. You date for an unspecified amount of time. Then…you get…ENGAGED.

You plan your wedding. You register at Crate and Barrel, Bed, Bath and Beyond and everywhere else that the two of you decide to register for your plates, bowls, vases, and all the fun things that you get to receive.

You have showers…

You have dinners…

You have the dreaded bachelor/bachelorette parties…strippers and all…

Then the big day…

Two become one…sigh…so in love…smoochie, smoochie…

You go on a honeymoon of some sort…some lavish, some…not so much. But…you are together and about to embark on a new chapter in your lives.

Time to have babies. How many? How close/far apart in age? Because, quite frankly…those are really the only things you can control, when it comes to having children…and not always…depends how careful you are

You get pregnant…if your lucky…right away.

You start kicking those 2.3 puppies out.

You watch them grow…hopefully you and your “perfect” spouse are still together…

Suddenly…your children aren’t babies anymore. They are in pre-school. Life gets easier. You have free time to work-out…or just work.

After all those years of waiting. Waiting to find out who you’re going to marry. Waiting to get married. Waiting to get pregnant. Waiting to have those babies. Waiting for those babies to start sleeping through the night. Waiting for all the milestones…

You realize…

Your done.

Your done waiting for those things. And now…

You and your spouse start discussing…

which one of you is going to get “fixed”.

Because…there won’t be any more babies…

Not out of the body that is just starting to become old. And…not very firm.(Although, with the Wii fit…hopefully the firm will come back a bit)

And, you realize that the next phase of your life is just beginning.

You are ready to start raising those 2.3 (or in my case, 5) kids into adulthood. To try to teach them to be effective, responsible human beings. To try to teach them to make good choices regarding school, peer pressure, friends…future spouses. And you hope that they learn from you. And that they learn from those around them. And that they take with them all their life lessons…and be as successful as they want to be.

So, the husband makes an appointment. To get snipped. So that there won’t be even the most remote possibility of having to do any more of that kind of waiting…

And that is so strange to me. Because…that choice…although I don’t want anymore kids…is going to be gone. I’m at that stage in my life. It happened to fast. My babies aren’t babies anymore. I’m my parents ages. Although, I’m waaaay cooler and younger than they were at my age!

So now…

I will watch my children wait.

Wait for 20 years or so, to find their “perfect” spouse…

…to plan the weddings…

…and enjoy the festivities…

…and begin their journey to parenthood…

And I will watch. With my not so perfect, yet snipped, spouse.

And I look forward to it.

Because…I’m ready to start the whole new series of my “waitings”.

Owie… June 25, 2008

I haven’t posted for a couple of days. I’m dying…DYING!!! I overdid the blogging…and now my pinched nerve is back. Or, it could be cancer. Or maybe syphilis. All is know is…it hurts. To type. I can’t even work for my dad. So, I can’t make up the money I’ve been out spending…OH WOE IS ME!!  But, in my defense…that’s why you haven’t seen me around your blogs that much.  Because…I’M DYING!!  OWIE!!

But, on a happy and lighter note…because, as you can tell…I’m dying…

Around a year ago, my oldest son won a Nintendo Wii from a Wendys Hamburger place. From a Frosty Vanilla Float cup. Yep. He sure did. Won it.

But…he wouldn’t keep it at our house. Selfish dickhead! Well, I understand, I guess. He was worried that someone would break his most prized possession. So he figured…he’ll leave it at his Dads house and only play it on the weekends. To hell with everyone he lives with. Screw everyone who begs him to bring it home. Laugh in the face of the Mommy who bribes him with Wii games, only if he brings home the system.

Until…the Wii Fit. And…this Mommy wanted that Wii Fit…really, really badly. But…this Mommy didn’t want to have to buy the game system. Not when her sweet, unselfish oldest son had won it from Wendy’s.

And so the Mommy set down the law. The Mommy told the kid that if he didn’t bring home the Wii, she’d chop off his wee while he slept. NO! She told him that, if he didn’t bring home the Wii…She’d cut off all his hair while he slept…and I would. WHA? You don’t believe me? Ask him. Because…

HE BROUGHT IT HOME!! So obviously, he was a little worried…

And…

I searched high.

And…

I searched low.

I wracked up our phone bills calling every Game Stop, Best Buy, Target, Kmart…everywhere that sold Wii games…in the entire state. Well, everywhere within 100 miles of my house.

SERIOUSLY!

And…

I then decided to call a place closer to my house.

NOVI. Game Stop. West Oaks Mall…

Gotta love that place!!

So…

I called them and coincidently, they had just gotten a shipment in. They asked me to call back because they didn’t know if Wii fits were included in this shipment. Because…NOWHERE else…NOWHERE…got them in. ANYWHERE!

So…I sat by the clock. With the phone in my hand. And I waited. For 20 minutes. Waited. Impatiently.

Because…I have been DYING for the Wii fit. Dying. For. It!

The minute that it was time to call…I did.

And…they had gotten 2 in.

And they wouldn’t hold it for me. No matter how much I cried, begged, whimpered and whined. They told me that I had to take my chances that the 20 minute drive wouldn’t be in vain.

So…I left my kids playing their little bowling Wii game. And jumped into my car. And squealed out of my driveway.

You have never seen a woman drive so fast. A woman on a mission. To get the Wii Fit…and what a worthy mission that is!

When I got to the place…they had one left. And it was waiting for me!!

So, I bought the precious…the hot commodity…jumped into my car, squealed out of the parking lot and hightailed it home…

But NO. I wasn’t able to test out this video game phenomena. Not until this morning.

OH MY GOD!!

It is FUN! And…my body. I HURT!

My tushie from the squats. My calves from doing all sorts of aerobics. My elbow and wrist…from having a pinched nerve…or cancer (OOPS…not the Wii Fit’s fault!) My stomach muscles…who knew that simulating Hula Hooping is a painful abs workout?!

After an hour and a half, my son starting complaining that I was hogging the Wii. That’s the ONLY reason why I stopped working out.

Heck…I’d probably still be working out right now. But…I’m not selfish. The kids sleep for at least eight hours! That should give me plenty of time to unlock new yoga moves and harder aerobic workouts.

But see how unselfish I am…the kids are already in bed and here I am. Broken body and all…typing painfully with my left wrist…to tell all of you…

Go get the Wii and the Wii fit!!

We can all be in pain together. How fun is that?!

A Person In A Glass House Moment… June 23, 2008

When you have grandchildren with horrendous names like Felix and Hugo…do you really think it’s appropriate to make fun of a child’s middle name? Especially when the middle name is Bernard…which is a handsome name. And…regardless…not his first name.

And…do you really think that it is appropriate to make such negative remarks regarding a sibling…to the other siblings…who inevitably report back to us what pus is flowing from your tongue. SERIOUSLY woman…get a freaking clue.

You are awful. Crazy. Nuts. Irrational. You have no respect for others feelings. You use poor judgment in front of your grandchildren…who are having problems with the fact that their Grandmother is a horribly mean woman. Which is why my son…your step-grandson, as you like to refer to him…wants absolutely nothing to do with you. Not even for free ice cream!! And…myself, the MOTHER…will NEVER have anything to do with you. Because…you are ATROCIOUS!! HELLACIOUS! VENOMOUS! HEINOUS! AND…VILE!!

So, you just keep on keeping on. Just be yourself. Because one day, regardless of sweet tooth cravings…no one will climb into your car for Dairy Queen.

An Post-Saturday Night Observation…aka, How I’m Feeling On Sunday Morning… June 23, 2008

More than two glasses of wine in one sitting…not my friend. Especially red wine.

I don’t bounce back easily. AT. ALL!

I used to be able to have a couple more than a couple libations and still feel OK the morning after.  But then again,  I used to be allowed to sleep until noon.

NOT ANYMORE!

While last night was fun…being with good friends at my favorite restaurant…

way too much wine was consumed…especially by the light-weight that I’ve become.

So, I’m a slow moving vehicle today.

Good thing there is nothing going on today.

Hopefully, I’ll start feeling like my spring-chicken self again, by tonight…because, I need to put name tags on the girls things and pack them up for camp!

I think I’m going to need a huge pot of coffee and some Tylenol.  And…maybe a few more hours of sleep.

Then maybe I’ll be ready to start the day!

Hope you are all having a terrific weekend!

XOXO

Haiku Friday…Life Status Quo… June 20, 2008

Summer vacation.

The first week is now over.

Official full swing.

Two boys at day camp.

Girls, sleep-away for three weeks.

Third boy, sulks at home.

Weather, too fall-like.

The pool…waiting to be used.

Amphibians gone!

Days so unhurried.

Actually have time to breath.

It’s a miracle.

Daily walks with hubs.

Gives us private time to talk…

No kids interrupt.

So far, it’s all good.

So far, so uneventful…

life without drama.

So…no news is good new, right? Not much here. It’s quiet. Boring. But…good.

The girls are leaving on Tuesday. For 3 1/2 weeks of overnight summer camp. They went last year, too. I stalked the camp website that displays daily pictures. CONSTANTLY! So, I’m expecting to do that again. Looking to catch a glimpse of either daughter…and then analyze their facial expressions…making sure they are happy and having a good time. I also did a lot of standing by the mailbox…waiting for the mailman…or woman, in my case…to bring me a little letter from my girls.

The step son and my youngest son…they are in day camp…all day…all summer. It’s a shame…NOT! But, they are both having a wonderful time. And the little guy comes home so exhausted that, I barely have to chase him around the neighborhood while he is streaking…he’s just too tired for that!!

I have to figure out what to do with my oldest son, Mr. Negativity. Does anyone want to host him for the summer? No? Just thought I’d ask!! I guess it’s video games and computer for him…in the basement…where I don’t have to hear it or see it!!

XOXO

A Little Curious… June 19, 2008

Why is it that when a man goes out with his friends and comes home at some ungodly hour, he finds…

…the dishes put washed and put away…

….the toys cleaned up…

…the laundry folded (sometimes)…

…the kids bathed and SLEEPING soundly, for hours already…

…lunches made for camp…

…wife showered and in bed, waiting for her husband and any gift he may bestow upon her ( )

But…

when the woman comes home BEFORE 11pm.  After enjoying a relaxing dinner and some wine with a couple of friends…

she comes home to…

…the kids, still clothed, dirty and WIDE AWAKE…

…dishes in the sink…

…clothes still in the dirty laundry pile…

…toys strewn haphazardly throughout the house…

…an INDOOR cat, sitting and waiting to be let in, on the front porch…

…lunches still needing to be made…

…dirty and wide awake kids, playing video games…did I mention…AWAKE, and it’s 11pm?

…husband, not showered, watching UFC and not caring if wife wants gifts bestowed…or is wanting to bestow some upon him…

Why is this?

Question For You… June 18, 2008

I’ve been wracking my brain, thinking of a way to make money online.  I don’t want to use my blog for that…well, just because I don’t want to!  So…I have a question.  I’m a little embarrassed but I’ll ask anyway…

I own a domain name.  It’s called (cringing) You Won’t Go Blind (youwontgoblind.com).  I haven’t done anything with it yet.  YET.   But…based on the name, can you tell what it is supposed to be?

Yeah…sex.  Sex toys.  I am thinking of opening an adult toy store.

So…whaddya think?

Would you buy your sex toys from me if I opened this store…assuming that you use sex toys.  And…what should I sell?

I’ve never used adult toys.  Well…I’m not COMPLETELY telling the truth…it’s been a long time since I’ve used any adult toys.   And there have been…er…advancements in that arena, since I’ve indulged in the stuff.

So talk to me, my friends.  Let me know your thoughts and opinions…

(see me blushing) THANKS!!

XOXO

And My Mom Thought I Was Bossy… June 18, 2008

Between 3 and 5 in the morning. On ANY given morning. You will hear a loud, young, male child’s voice, screaming for his mommy.

And…between 3 and 5 in the morning. On ANY given morning. You will hear a Mommy stumbling out of bed to retrieve her loud, young male child from his room to bring into her room. Into her bed. So that there may be a few more hours of precious slumber…hopefully…

Well, at my house, anyway.

So, on this particular morning. After the retrieving this loud, young male child and bringing him into the bed with me…and savoring those last few, precious hours of sleep…

The kitten wakes up…

and, I take her downstairs to feed her. (She sleeps in a cage in my room…and ALWAYS disturbs those last couple hours of sleep)

And…I hear, from upstairs in my room, a loud, young male child…screaming for his Mommy to come and get him.

So…

I do.

I run upstairs and go into my room to collect my child.

And, every morning, he plays the same game.

He hides under my covers and I have to find him. I know…sounds very difficult. I haven’t lost him yet, though.

This morning, after I found him…I told him that we had to hurry and get ready. He was going to drive me to camp.

He got a little confused.

I said…Today, Mommy is going to camp.

He looked at me like he wasn’t sure if I was joking or not.

I told him that today was Mommy’s turn to go to camp and have fun.

He suddenly got that I was joking…and he said…

Mommy…camp is for little kids. So shut up and get me ready for camp.

Honestly. How dare he speak to his Mother like this. Who does he think he is…his Daddy?

So, you know what I did? No…I did NOT spank him. No…I did NOT give him a time out. NO…I did NOT take away his favorite toy for all eternity.

I turned on my heels. I went into the kitchen. And…I prepared him his breakfast and I got his clothes ready…

So that I can get him out of the house for a few hours…and have some peace and quiet from that obnoxious, loud, bossy, young male child…

and brace myself to deal with obnoxious, whiny, bossy tween girls and boys…

and and obnoxious, whiny, bossy husband…

who are all going to be home for another week.

And then…their camps start.

And life will be beautiful again!!

Gee…you just gotta love summer vacation.  Especially when all the bossy, whiny and obnoxious people are gone for the day…

THAT is when Mommy’s camp starts!!  Because being home, without the chaos…is like being at camp.

All Grown Up… June 17, 2008

We had to pick my step-kids up from their mothers place yesterday.  Actually…their grandmothers place…their mother lives in the basement there.  Anyway…

Watching my step-daughter walk out to our car, my husband remarks about how grown up she is getting.  How truly amazing the difference is between last year and now.   She smiles at us, seemingly knowing that we are talking about her.  Turns around.  Saunters off, back into the house to get her stuff.

What is taking so long…I ask my husband.  We need to hurry.  We are supposed to meet my parents for lunch for Fathers Day.

My husband gets out of the car and goes into the house.  Almost immediately…he comes running out.

I HAVE to go in there.  My step-daughter NEEDS me!

Great.  But, isn’t her mom in there.  I’m trying to listen to a really cool version of “Let My Love Open the Door” by the Who.

Yeah, her mom is in there.  But…she needs ME.  NOW!

So…I run into my husbands ex-in-laws house.  By the way…being the consummate snob that I am…I would have turned my nose up at the whole family, way back when.  But, I digress…

I run into the house and am directed into a closet…er…bathroom.  My step-daughter is standing there with her underwear around her ankles and her mother is just standing there.

“I got my period.”  She says.

“Wha…”  I start to cry.

I look at her biological mother.  Who is still just standing there.  Like a MORON.  Not doing anything.

So…I say to the mother…”Um…do you have any pads?”

I think I might of awakened her.  She walks over to a little linen closet and pulls out some maxi-pads.  And…hands them to ME.  The step-mother.

I kick the Mother MORON out of the bathroom and slam the door.  And, I instruct my young daughter…who has just now become a woman…how to put the maxi pad into her underwear.

While her mother is on the other side of the bathroom door.  NOT. DOING. ANYTHING.  Except standing there.  Waiting.

And, I’m still crying.  Because…my little girl.  The one who we just noticed has grown up so much in the last year…can now, officially, have babies.

And that is sickening!!

And amazing.

And so depressing.

And incredible.

And…she’s better NOT.  Not for, at least, 20 more years!

After we were all done in the bathroom, we open the door to find her biological mother.  Still standing there.  Seriously!

She says to her daughter…”Well, there isn’t anything you can do about it.  So embrace it.  Make womanly choices now…because you’re a woman.”

OK…what the FUCK does that mean?  She is telling a 12 year old to make womanly choices.  Is she serious?  She is still a kid.  Who happens to have gotten her period.  There is nothing womanly about her.

I kind of push her out of the way…it’s a tiny little hall…and I take my kids hand.  And…she says goodbye to her mom.

And we leave.

Her mother is still standing there.

I wonder if she ever moved..

But…

MY little girl.  She got her period.  And I cried.  And I showed her how to use a pad.

I can’t believe it!

I wasn’t prepared for this.  It happened so fast.  Her growing up.

And that is what I’M embracing.  Enjoying my children.  And watching them grow up.

It’s truly.  A. Miracle.