Thursday Thirteen…Boot Shopping Time August 28, 2008

It’s time to think about my wardrobe for the Winter! The most important accessory…and most needed…are new boots. So I’m going shopping. Some of these boots…waaaaaayyyyy too expensive but…it’s fun to fantasize, right?

Just give me a horse whip, please. But, how cute would these look with leggings and skirts!?

Practical, cute and slightly sexy…

Gucci…ooh la la

I think I might sell my soul for these. Only…I don’t think my soul is worth as much as these gorgeous boots!

Love these. But…they kinda look like ones my mom has.

I’ve wanted these for 2 years!!!

These would look so cute with pants. Oh how am I going to afford all of these shoes? DADDY?!

These say…don’t mess with me. But how cool are these?!

Great with nice black pants…hmmm…if I got these, I would have to buy nice black pants…

I wonder how many times I would sprain my ankle in these hot things!

Cute but don’t wear these in the snow…frost bite on the toesies.

I wouldn’t throw these out of my closet, that’s for sure!!

I big, huge puffy heart these!

They Walk Amongst Us, Even In The Kingdom August 27, 2008

You recall the last story that took place within a kingdom, right? A kingdom that may or may not be so very far away from your own…
One day in the kingdom, the Queen Ruler stepped into her carriage to take her step prince to the Royal Psychologist. The Queen and her step prince were riding in comfortable discontent when suddenly…

The Step-Prince: I think I know why the Evil, Wicked Witch is out to get you.

The Queen Ruler: Raises a single, perfectly arched eyebrow.

The Step Prince: My Lowly Serf Birth Mother told me that the Evil, Wicked Witch hates you because the King should only have had babies with my Lowly Serf Birth Mother. The King should never had a baby with you.

The Queen Ruler: My dear Step Prince. Sometimes you have to learn to filter out non-sense. What your Lowly Serf Birth Mother told you…and I’m sure tells you all the time…is a prime example of what should be filtered out. Because really…the Wicked Witch hates me because I’m better than her. Not because of my child. After all, I’m the Reigning Queen Pseudo Ruler.

The Step Prince: Nods head in agreement. He may be a pain in the Royal Ass, have major issues to boot but, stupidity isn’t amongst them.

The Queen Ruler thinks to herself…this is what happens when Kings, who were one-time Princes…rebel against Evil, Wicked Witches…they marry STUPID serfs and have children. But…the Rebel Princes grow up and realize that Stupid Serfs are NOT for them. So…they divorce. But…the Princes still have to deal with the aftermath of rebelling.

The Queen Ruler also thinks to herself…it’s truly amazing how many stupid people there are who live within the kingdom who don’t realize how stupid they truly are.

New Law within the Kingdom: People who open their mouths and say stupid things…will be banished to the dungeon…FOREVER!! BWAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

To Me At 23 August 26, 2008

On occasion I come across posts that were written to the blog owners 17 year old self. I love those posts! I think they are so fabulous. And I’ve been wanting to do this type of post for awhile now. Except, I’m not going to write one to my 17 year old self. Because…that self would have NEVER listened…even to me. Warnings would have gone unheeded. Lessons…unlearned. Because I thought I knew everything. And I thought that I had all the time in the world. I didn’t realize, at 17…how wrong I truly was…about so many things. Because, I don’t think I cared. I did it MY way.

So…I would like to address my 23 year old self. A more mature me. I’d like to think that my 23 year old self would listen and understand what my almost 40 year old self has to say.

Dear Melissa…
Hey. I have things to talk to you about. Sit down and shut up for a couple of minutes…you can go sit on that rock and smoke when I’m done with you.
Melissa…finish school. No shit. Finish. Get your degree. Teaching. Ultra-sound. SOMETHING. Just do it. Because…you need to. Don’t just stare and me and pretend to listen either. I’ll tell you why…

In a few months…you’re going to meet a guy. You’re going to have a little crush on him. And…you’re going to date him. You like his lifestyle. You like the idea of belonging to Franklin Hills Country Club. You like the IDEA of what your life could be like with him.
The two of you have fun together. You like to hang out. But…go with your gut. Don’t be swayed. You know it isn’t right. When you break up with him…stick to your guns. Don’t cave in. The flowers…beautiful. The ring…OMG! But…tell him NO.

Because you know…in your heart of hearts…you don’t love him. Not the way you should. And…it is going to make for a bad mix.

I’m not going to let you know about the two beautiful children that you have together. Quite frankly…what you don’t know, won’t hurt you. If you don’t marry this guy…I’m sure you’ll marry someone else and have beautiful children with him.

But…get a career. Be able to support yourself. Be able to take care of your children in the event of a divorce. Because…this almost 40 y/o you…you can’t. You. Are. A. Loser. Because…you don’t have a means to support yourself. And when you…my 23 y/o self becomes me…my almost 40 y/o self…it becomes a heartache. And WE become sort of lost. WE start looking for ourselves…something to make our own. And it’s hard.

Chose a different path. Chose the right path. You KNOW which one to take. Don’t be lazy. Just DO it!!

And…pack up the car, grab Anna…and move to California. If you don’t…you’ll wonder, for the rest of your life…what would have happened. How your life would have been different.

Please Melissa. Chose wisely. Because, the psychic was right…the blue eyed, blond haired guy…wasn’t the one.

I Love You!! And…by the way…you really are THAT beautiful. Learn it, live it and embrace it!!! That’ll help you too!!

XOXO,
Me

A Family Vacation, No Teeth and a Temper Tantrum August 24, 2008

OK, I’m home. Actually, I’ve been home for two days but, I’ve been too lazy to write my post. Sorry. Well…you’ve waited long enough. I’m sure that you’ve had a couple of sleepless nights due to checking my blog to see if I posted about our trip. Fret no more, my pretties…I’m back and ready to post. Please contain yourselves. Hold all applause until the last whiny tale…er…heart-warming, family friendly story has been unfolded.

Let’s begin…

We’re going to fast forward the first first day. Basically…picture whiny, tired, travel weary kids…swimming and eating. ta-dah…our first day is over. Oh yeah…don’t forget to picture two travel weary, whiny adults trying to find a comfortable spot on the most UNCOMFORTABLE pull-out bed on the planet…EVER! But let’s move on, shall we…because, I have.

The 2nd day…
We celebrated our friends sons 3rd birthday. It started by us going to the Emmet County Fair…just outside Petosky, Michigan. There were cute pigs, rabbits, chickens, horses…many various varieties of farm creatures. But the main attraction…more than the animals and the rides…were the Carnies. There were more toothless carnies than the entire population of the U.S and Canada combined. People…for the love of porcelain veneers…go find yourselves a dentist that accepts wrist bands or ride coupons and get those holes filled in. There are only so many foods that you can drink with a straw. Well…I guess Moonshine and coffee…straws optional…are a food group!
But, in all semi-seriousness…it was a cute fair and the kids had a good time.
Then, we went into Petosky. I love it there. It’s cute, quaint and tourist-y. AND…everyone seems to have their teeth.

You already know about the croup. You already know about the lack of sex. Hm….what else?! Oh yeah…

The Mommies got a day off. The Daddies took the kids to the Avalanche Bay Water Park. So, we…the Mommies…took a 4 mile walk from our resort in Boyne to Deer Lake. We ate at a beach front restaurant where we feasted on a salad and a yummy grilled Portebello Mushroom sandwich…oh so delish…

That night…we FINALLY utilized the babysitter that we brought with us. She’s adorable, by the way and NO…you can NOT borrow her…she’s ours!! Good babysitters are hot commodities!!

The four adults headed into the booming and glamorous Charlevoix…the town that never comes out of its coma. We went to a bar…had a drink…and ended up starving. 10:30…looking for somewhere to eat and NOTHING was open. NOTHING!! WTF?! So, we ended up doing what any starving adults would do…we drove through McDonalds!

A long drive down a dark and winding road, with a pit stop near the haunted woods…for the longest pee on record (are you still going?)-we made our way back.

Our last full day.

Mackinac Island. The piece d’resistance of our trip.
I had been sooooo looking forward to going because the ONE time I was there…1987…I was SO stoned that the only thing I remember was the drive back to the camp I was working, The Cure and a bright orange parking sticker. So yeah, I was super excited to see Mackinac.

It started out pleasant enough. The kids were in decent enough moods-so were the adults. So we boarded the ferry in Macinaw City and headed over to the Island.

Fast forward the picnic lunch. Fast forward searching for good deals on bike rentals for a kagillion people. Hit play at the temper tantrum my son had about riding a bike…at all.

Oh my oldest son…squish those little cheeks. He wouldn’t get on a bike. No matter how much coaxing, yelling, bribing, arguing and threatening we did. NO. Nothing.

So I tell my husband to go. That I’ll catch up with them. I figure that, in that short little sentence made to hubby…he would know that, one way or another, I’d be on a bike, pedaling my short, fat legs as fast as they would go…to catch up with them.
I figured that one way or another, I’d get my son on a bike and off we’d go.
MY BAD…
So, I sat my son down in a corner of the bike rental place. Hopped on a SINGLE bike. And rode off into the horizon…looking for the rest of my group.

I never did find them but, I saw some beautiful scenery that, this time, I’ll remember!!
When I got back to the bike rental…
I had a temper tantrum at hubby. It was a bad scene. I couldn’t even eat ice-cream, I was so mad!! But don’t worry. After about an hour, I calmed down and ate my weight in free fudge samples.

We had a yummy pizza dinner. Slept. Drove home…
THE END

You can applaud now.
XOXO

The Small Post Before The Big Post… August 22, 2008

I promise to do a big, huge, in-depth piece on our trip. I’m sure that it will keep you riveted. But…in the meantime…I’m tired so here is what you are getting…

Some people may say that boys will be boys. Some say that it’s just testosterone. Me…I say that boys in the 11-12 1/2 age range…they are just assholes. Big time. Mouthy. Dicks. With. BAD ATTITUDES!!

And…
I wish. That my only decision in life. Was to decide. If I was going to have sex with Orlando Bloom when he has dark hair. Or…when he has blond hair. But either way…he MUST be a pirate. RRRRR… THAT would be a tough decision.

I know…you’ve gotten some quality posts from me these last couple of days. You’re so impressed, aren’t you? Well…I’m tired. What do you expect?

By the way…I’m going to New Orleans. For Blogher Outreach. And I’m meeting Tara…If Mom Says OK, there. And…NOLA Notes. I’m so excited and every time I think about it…I have to change my underwear.

So…stay tuned. When I’m not so exhausted. And I’m not having ADD ramblings of the brain…I’ll tell you all about my fun trip. And maybe I can find pics that don’t have a naked boy in it so I can post it!!

For now, I’m going to get these kids showered and thrown into their beds. They are all exceptionally tired. And…I’m exceptionally tired of them!!
XOXO

Deep… August 21, 2008

I blog, therefore I am.
I don’t blog, therefore there is no free wifi connection and I now, officially, have to wait until I get home.
We’re having a great time. The kids haven’t killed each other. The spouses haven’t killed each other. And…the spouses haven’t killed, harmed OR maimed the children.
That is a good sign!
XOXO

A Little Equation… August 19, 2008

Three Queen sized beds.

Two bedrooms.

One pull out couch…

All filled.

And…

young bodies, strewn across the floor in sleeping bags…

Equals…

NO FREAKING SEX FOR PARENTS.

Just sayin…

And by the way, whoever invented pull out couches…

and millipedes…

are in league with the Devil and should be shot on sight…

I Need A Vacation…Oh Yeah, I’m On One… August 19, 2008

We made our way up the highway, cramped like sardines in my Honda Pilot. 8 people in an 8 passenger car…plus luggage, plus shopping packages(we had to stop at the outlet mall!). Don’t let the Honda people fool you…8 people do NOT fit comfortably in the Pilot…unless you are small children or midgets…or…Chinese gymnasts.
We finally arrived in Boyne, 7 hours after we pulled out of our driveway. 7 hours of listening to whining, fighting, crying and…are we there yet? Mind you…it’s only a 4 hour drive.
We were greeted by our friends, who were kind enough to open up their condo to our family.
So…we went from out 8 seater Honda to a 10 sleeper condo…the 13 of us. It worked out fine though! And…so far, so fun.
Last night…early this morning…not so much fun.
The little guy, who had fallen asleep with the babysitter…made his way to the pull out bed that my husband and I were asleep in. He climbed onto me. And five minutes pass…and he starts crying. And wheezing. And gasping for air. Good times, good times.
All early morning was spent alternating between cool outdoor air and steam shower.
Finally spent, we collapse onto the couch and he says to me…
“Mommy, I’m about to die.”
“What do you mean?” I ask him.
“Well, if you can’t breathe then you die. And, I can’t breathe so I’m going to die.”
Then, he proceeded to wheeze, gasp and cough. And…
He grabbed his action figures and went off to play with my friends son.
I’m assuming he is fine. His Black Spider Man killed Venom in a variety of vicious and horrendous ways.
So today, as long as he can still breathe and hasn’t died…we are going to a fair in Petosky. Sound fun? Yeah…it will be.
Hopefully it will take a few hours to drive the 1/2 hour to the fair…because, I could use a nap.
Remind me next time…no traveling with children. It is NOT conducive to rest and relaxation.
Hopefully we won’t have a repeat of last night!!
XOXO

Basic Diet Do’s And Don’ts…or…How I Managed To Gain Weight… August 17, 2008

I started Weight Watchers last weekend. Today marked one week.
One week of trying to not eat sugar.
One week of trying to not eat too many carbs.
One week of COUNTING POINTS.
And…I screwed up.
I gained a pound. I know…it could be worse. I could have gained 1 1/2 pounds. WHATEVER!!
But during this week, I made some diet discoveries that I’m going to share with you. I want to insure that you, my wonderful, dear, sweet friends, don’t screw up. Yep, that’s me…always looking out for those I love.

Do: By all means, buy those 100 calorie snack bags.
Don’t: Under any circumstances, eat all 6 or 8 packages in one day. That…is bad. Very, very bad.

Do: By all means, buy those yummy cinnamon chip, low fat, 70 calorie scones from that coffee place with the creepy lady.
Don’t: Under ANY circumstances…trust that they are low fat OR 70 calories. No matter what. And don’t…eat more than one…that…is bad. Very, very bad.

Do: Eat plenty of veggies and fruit. Fiber is a wonderful thing.
Don’t: Take your dance class on days that you ingested too much fiber. That…is bad. Very, very bad. Especially for the other dance students…just sayin.

Do: Drink lots of water. Tons of water.
Don’t: Count diet Coke as water. And…don’t drink most of your water intake close to your bed time. You’ll either a) not wake up in time while you are dreaming that you are peeing or b) you’ll be up all night peeing…only, not in your bed. (NO…I did NOT pee in my bed but…it was an exceptionally close call)

Do: Write down EVERYTHING you stick in your mouth. Well…maybe not EVERYTHING…after all, some things are waaaaaay too much info.
Don’t: Forget to write down EVERYTHING that you put in your mouth (except that). Because…you need to keep track of your points. And, if you neglect to write down the copious amounts of pistachios or the 7th and 8th package of 100 calorie chip ahoy cookies…it’s just going to sabotage your diet endeavor.

Do: Make sure you get plenty of exercises. Every day. At least 1/2 hour. Minimum.
Don’t: Skip the exercise. Especially on days that you eat too many of those aforementioned scones. Because, that’s a pound just waiting to happen.

Do: Keep trying.
Don’t Give up.

Do: Want to lose those 15 or so pounds.
Don’t: Eat the shit anymore!!

Well…I hope that my failure is your success. Unless of course, you are naturally skinny. Because then…well…eat all you want. BITCH!!

BTW…I will have my computer with me. I’m leaving tomorrow. And…THEY HAVE INTERNET!!! I just won’t have time to Plurk…sigh…there goes the hard earned karma.

And The Winner Is… August 15, 2008

There where some seriously creative names!!  Thank you…everyone who came up with these names.  Thank you…everyone who voted!!

The polls are now CLOSED.

And the winner is…

Knot Just Purses…by my wonderful friend Janet from Adventures In the 32 Acker Woods.

Janet…send me an email with your address so I can send out your specially made bag!!  Congratulations honey!!!!  MWAH!

OK…

I’m leaving town on Monday.  Until Friday.  I’m bringing my laptop with me, in hopes of internet connection.  Please…let there be internet connection!!

If there isn’t connection.  And I can’t post…sob…

Have a wonderful week.  sniffle…I’ll miss you.  sniffle…I’ll think of you while I’m away.  sob…dabbing eyes with tissue…blowing nose into sleeve…

Love ya!!