Not Scrolling Saturday… November 8, 2008

I went out last night. Yep. With one of my oldest friends. It was great. You guys should’ve joined us!!
We hit the casino. Well…mostly…we stayed in the martini bar. Sipping on oh so delish bright blue martinis…and one pomegranate martini. But we had fun chatting. And we did play video poker where I put in 20 bucks and left with $75! Too bad that I had to use that to pay the sitter!

My hubby…he was out doing some sort of male bonding, getting drunk, playing carda and camping out thing with some of his co-worker friends…and my friends hubby. Gee…wish I could be there. I’m sure that, wherever they are…smells really fresh right now!!

And I know. Without ANY doubt. When my husband comes home. Sometime this morning or early afternoon. He’s going to be exhausted. And want to sleep all day.

You wanna know what I say?

FUCK HIM!!

Just because he “slept” out. It DOES NOT mean that he got less sleep than I did. Because…I rolled in around 2 am. And…because my husband wasn’t home…I had a hard time sleeping. I get scared so…don’t laugh at me!! I finally fell asleep around 4…only to be awakened at 5:15. That is A.M to you!! Been up since. Yep. Great, isn’t it?

So again I say…FUCK HIM!!
There…I feel much better.

While I was NOT sleeping last night, I was thinking about some stuff. And…I actually remember some of the stuff I was thinking about. Which means…I can actually post it. It’s a miracle.

I want to know from you…my two friends that still love me…if you’re even here anymore…

Do you tell your spouse EVERYTHING? Does your spouse know pretty much EVERYTHING there is to know about you?

If someone tells you NOT to tell your spouse…are you going to anyway?

Would you take your spouse back if they cheated?

Would you ever cheat?

I’m sure I had more questions but…I just can’t seem to remember them. Oh well…if I think of them…I’ll be sure to let you know!!

Hey…
Have an awesome weekend!!!
XOXO

Musings Of Wednesday…aka…Why I’m A Man Hater Today… November 5, 2008

I have a bunch of stuff. So…while I sit here binging on my kids Halloween candy…I’m going to just rattle them off. Because…I can’t think of a way to put it into a cohesive post. Not that I EVER have cohesive posts…
So…um…hold on, gotta look for a mini Twix bar…dang, I ate them all already!! Fine…Milky Way minis will have to do…

Ahem…
So I’ve decided that, and I’m sure this is a very ORIGINAL decision…
Men are just plain stupid. Seriously. And…I’m really curious as to how they can even function on such a limited brain capacity. Please someone…explain. And yet…we marry them. Have children with them…and bring more of these poor, unfortunate souls into the world. Well…at least they’re cute when they’re little.

And what’s the deal with men THINKING that they know how to fix things? Oh…yeah…it’s the whole thinking thing. They DON’T.
What? You want an example? OK…here are two…which make me questions Darwin’s theory of survival of the fittest…
Remember my garage door fiasco. When I backed my car into it and broke the car AND the bottom of the garage door…hey…I was preoccupied. I thought my kid was hurt. I’m functioning on MOMMY brain. It’s totally different from the MALE brain.
Well…stupid ass hubby thought he could fix it. And he made it six hundred dollars worse. And it’s still broken. Because, quite frankly…I don’t have 600 bucks right now!
And how about my kitchen faucet? OH…I haven’t told you about my kitchen faucet. This is a good one…
He…my hubby…was actually helping my clean the dishes. Yes, I was grateful…up until…he broke the tubing inside the pull out part of the faucet. And it was leaking under the sink. Like a freaking indoor swimming pool.
Then…
He decided to try to fix it. BWHAHAHAHA!!

So the plumber had to come out.

And it’s fixed now.

$160 bucks later. Which…is probably more than the faucet costs. So…next time, I’m hoping that he REALLY breaks the faucet. Because I saw one that I am DYING to get by Delta…or Kohler, can’t remember!!

And then there is flat out disrespectful stuff…
Like…
Friending every hole you’ve ever stuck something into…on facebook. I don’t care that they are the ones that friended you. You…should probably not friend them back. Remember…it wasn’t me that got myself into some trouble last Spring. When you decided that it was a really good idea to sneak and meet one of your “friends” at the bar.
So…don’t tell me I’m insecure. I’m not the one feeling the need to friend everyone I ever slept with or wanted to sleep with, to prove my attractiveness…or WHATEVER you are trying to prove to yourself.
Which is why I keeping blurting out things like…Pathetic. Or…Insecure…
Jerkass.
If something I was doing offended you. You wouldn’t have a problem insulting me.
Too much. You. Are too much.

OK…I’m done insulting my husband…er…men…

My little son decided that we aren’t allowed to say his name with a y at the end anymore. That it’s too babyish. And…if we do say it that way…or ANYONE says it that way…he isn’t going to be our friend anymore…
So…
It’s that easy to get rid of him, huh?

And lastly…
I walked today. For about an hour. Because I’m concerned about gaining weight.
So why the heck did I come home, grab the back of Halloween candy and start binge eating it?
I’ll chalk it up to stress. And marriage. And not smoking anymore…when I could REALLY use a cigarette. Right. Now.
OH hell…where’d I put that Snickers bar…

and p.s…
If a girl doesn’t feel like her own Dad is trustworthy, then how in the bloody hell is she supposed to trust her husband?

Insurance Companies…What Are You Thinking? November 4, 2008

My cousin just had a hysterectomy. Cancer. And it is in her colon too.
I have a friend who had been diagnosed with cancer a few years ago.
It scared me.
So…I made an appointment with my internist. I asked for a slew of blood tests.
Because my whole family has heart disease, I wanted the test called…and I”m NOT kidding…MOTHER FUCKER…which tells you if you carry the gene for heart disease. And I also wanted to get the test to see if I carry the ovarian cancer gene…because apparently it’s genetic. And a few other tests…lipids, cholesterol…etc…
And would you believe…
That insurance does NOT cover the cancer test. Unless…you ALREADY have the cancer.
Not only that but…for us people that want to find out what is going on inside us…the test is flipping expensive!!
Wouldn’t you think that the insurance would be so pro women getting the test…pre-cancer…as a precautionary measure?
I would think that, for an insurance agency, it would be less expensive for a woman to decide, if they are a carrier, to have a hysterectomy and then perhaps some yearly blood work to monitor…
As opposed to…being diagnosed with the stinking disease, THEN… having to get a bunch of your organs removed plus all the other tests and medicines and whatever else goes along with someone who has cancer. Especially when this test could have been available to them at a regular check-up.
I don’t get it.
It doesn’t make a bit of sense to me.
But…I hear that the test isn’t conclusive anyway. There are a lot of false positives. And really, the only way to be sure is to get an ultrasound…which..
insurance covers?!!?
So, I guess I’ll ask for an ultrasound.
Screw you Mr. Insurance Company.
I hope the ultrasound is more expensive than the blood test.
Na na na na boo boo!!

Oh…and on a side note…
It’s amazing how many people are doing searches for Kathleen.
This blog usually doesn’t get more that 110 hits/day. But…the last couple of days…over 300! Kathleen…it seems a lot of people are missing you!! Be safe!!

Going Where I Don’t Belong… November 3, 2008

Politics. Don’t get it. Don’t like it. And excuse me for sounding like an ingnoramus but..on the most part…I could care less!
But…
I voted. I always vote. It’s my constitutional right that I like to exercise every now and again.
I did an absentee ballot. Because on Tuesday…my kids don’t have school. And I REFUSE to wait in the estimated 2 hour long lines…with kids that are whiny and bored and hungry and tired and have to pee…gah…
So, I marched my expanding booty into the County Clerks office, checked a little box that said I would be indisposed of on Tuesday, and I marked in those little boxes.
But…I gotta tell you. I honestly couldn’t decide who to vote for. And…some of you may hate me for what is about to flow from my head to my fingers to my screen right now…but so be it.
I think that our choices SUCK!! Yep. You heard me right. SUCK BIG HUGE DONKEY BALLS.
Obama. He’s a hottie. Yep. I wouldn’t kick him out of my bed for talking politics. He has movie star charisma. But…
He creeps me out a bit. For every good thing I hear about him, there are 5 bad things.
And…to be compared to Kennedy. Dude…that isn’t a good thing. Kennedy wasn’t able to complete his term. So…that isn’t exactly something I would go around boasting about!!

And McCain…
EW. To me, he is whiny. And old. As dirt. And about to drop dead. Maybe, in his heyday…he would have been a good choice. But with that chick as his running mate…not so sure. Besides…he is NOT hot. And I would DEFINITELY kick him out of my bed for talking politics.

Biden…I like him…I think. Well…I like him better that Palin. Who, to me…is about as equipped to run the good old U. S of A as I am of running the P.T. of A!!! She…SUCKS!! But…I’m sure she’d be really fun to go out drinking and dancing with. We’d probably pick up a lot of guys together!!

But yes…I voted.
There is no lesser of two evils.
Neither guy is going to be able to get our country out of the mess we are in. We’re too deep in quicksand and sinking fast.

But I voted based upon the Vice Presidential Candidates. Because…I couldn’t decide between the Presidential ones.

Now, if you’ll excuse me…
I’m going to pack my bags and move to a deserted island for the next 4 years or so…
I may, or may not, take my husband and kids with me!!

Help Find Sheila Kathleen McBroom from Anchorage, Alaska November 2, 2008

A dear blog friend, Kathleen…So Grateful to Be Mormon is missing. All of us, her blog friends…we are worried to death. And feeling helpless. If ANYONE knows ANYTHING…contact her family. Or leave an email for me and I’ll forward it.
Kathleen…We love you. We all hope that you are found and are OK. I want to get an email from you with tons of x’s and o’s at the end of it!!! Be OK!! Your family needs you. Your friends need you.
Anyone who prays…please…say a prayer.
Here is the article confirming her disappearance…

by Channel 2 News staff
Saturday, November 1, 2008

ANCHORAGE, Alaska — Police are asking for the public’s help finding a missing Anchorage wife and mother.

Police say 39-year-old Sheila Kathleen McBroom was last seen on Monday during a traffic stop along the Seward Highway. A state trooper suggested she pull over and rest after she stated she was feeling tired.

Her family reported her missing the next day.

McBroom’s truck was found later in the week parked near mile 106 of the Seward Highway. Her cell phone and wallet were inside, but there was no sign of her or of foul play.

Anchorage police and state troopers searched the area yesterday, including the coastline, but say they turned up nothing.

If you’ve seen McBroom, you’re asked to call Anchorage police at 786-8900.

Reincarnation, Karma and A Kick In The Butt… November 1, 2008

I figure that, assuming I believe in reincarnation…I was a HORRIBLE daughter-in-law to a wonderful mother-in-law OR vice versa.
Why, you ask. Oh don’t worry…I’ll tell ya…
Because I’ve been kicked in the ass twice by MIL’s from the pit of HELL…assuming I believe in hell.
I’ve told you so much about my current BFH mother-in-law. (FYI…BFH=Bitch from Hell…just in case you couldn’t figure that out without my help <3)
But…
You were never informed of my ex-BFH.
Oh yes, I’m AAAALLLLL too familiar with horrible mother-in-laws.
And…In light of a recent turn of events, I should fill you in. Because I can only imagine the blog posts that my ex-MIL will help to create upon her coming back to Michigan from Florida. Shoot. Me. NOW!!!

So, once upon a time, I was married to a complete dufus. This complete dufus had a Mommy who he called “Doll”. Right there should have been a warning flag with super loud sirens. I mean…who calls their Mother “Doll”. Can you say…something incestuously fishy? UGH!!

While I was married to complete Dufus, he spent most of his time on the phone with Doll. Basically, they heavy breathed into the phone because I NEVER heard conversation. But I think he didn’t want to hang up the phone with her for fear of being slashed out of her will. My guess…but, I think I’m so smart!!

Dufus and I had two lovely little pups together. The still are lovely. And gorgeous. And wonderful. And big, gigantic pains. But…I digress…

And she basically wasn’t interested in them because they took the attention away from her.

Oh yeah…I forgot to mention that Dufus lost his dad about 6 months before our big mistake…er…day. So, Doll was a widow. And she couldn’t imagine facing life without a man by her side. GAG.

For the length of our marriage, Doll was on the hunt. But, she used Dufus as a surrogate hubby…hopefully without the perks…ok, that was just a really.sick.thought!!

She was part of the reason that my marriage to Dufus failed. Not the only reason. Just one of the main ones.

When Dufus and I FINALLY got divorced…she had FINALLY found someone who wanted more than coffee with her. And off they went to Florida. Palm Beach. Trump Towers. She’s fancy. Did I tell you that my ex was fancy? Yeah…a lot of good that did me!! Or him, for that matter!!

For 8 years or so, Doll lived in the lap of luxury. In Palm Beach.
And NOT ONCE did she call her Grandchildren.
NOT ONCE did she send them a Chanukka card OR present.
NOT ONCE did she send then a birthday card OR present.
She. Is. ATROCIOUS!!
Not mean. Just selfish and self-centered and self-serving.

Well…the boyfriend got really old. Like, I dunno…a thousand or so. She is no Spring Chicken either…around 85. But the boyfriend is starting to lose his marbles and went after her with his cane. Or…maybe he really ISN’T losing his mind…just his interest in her.

And…
She called Dufus. To come and get her.
So Dufus hopped on a plane yesterday. And is coming home with Doll on Wednesday.
And my kids…
are so freaking pissed.
Because they know that when Doll is around…Daddy isn’t. Because Daddy has his head so far up his Mothers ass that nothing else matters.

You know what I just realized…
Not only do I marry men with shitty moms but…I marry men that haven’t had the umbilical cord cut yet. Maybe I’m the one that needs counseling…

So yeah…
karma.

I’m getting paid back. Only this time. I’m not the bitch. But…it looks like I’m going to have to start. Being a bitch. Again.
Looks like history is about to repeat itself. Because I didn’t seem to listen the first time.

C’Mon Ride That Train… October 30, 2008

When I’m driving my train of thoughts, I’m usually surpised by where it takes me.

For example, driving back from my son’s preschool, I was thinking about how my ex mother-in-law is moving back home from Florida…which is going to be a HUGE blog post, in and of itself, when I can put into word how I am going to feel about this…

Anyway…

Thinking about her led me to an elementary school…6th grade, I think…memory.

There was this boy, David, that I was friends with.  He was a genius.  In 6th grade, during our math time, his mother would come and take him to the community college to take a math class there.  Yeah, THAT smart.

So…

We used to play together at recess.  Us and a kagillion other 6th graders.

One day, David announced that he was starting a club called…

The TWAT club.

Uh-huh…the TWAT club.

And we were all in it.  The TWAT club.

None of us knew what it meant.

We ran around the playground calling everyone that name.

We called each other that name.

Thank goodness we didn’t call our teacher that name.

After a few days of the TWAT clubs inception, our principal caught wind of this group.

And…

she called us all down to the office.

There were about 10 of us crammed into Principals small office.  Feeling very uncomfortable.  And not knowing exactly what it is that we had done wrong.

She looked around the room.  And then asked us if we knew what the word twat meant.

None of us claimed to know…

except David.  The founder of our little club.

And…she had him tell us what it meant.

We were all SHOCKED.

She asked him, if he knew what it meant then how was it that he had started this club…

And he said something like, “Because I knew that no one else knew what it meant.  And…I thought it was a funny word.”

We had to apologize to everyone who we had called twat.  And…David had to apologize to us for leading us astray.

So…while my train led me from my (twat) ex-mother-in-law…to the 6th grade memory…

I started thinking about how easily someone who knows just a little bit more than someone else…can be blindly followed.

We FOLLOWED this kid.  Because we thought it was a funny word too.  And NONE of us chose to find out what the word meant.  Not one of us asked.  We didn’t care.  It didn’t matter.  Because…we had a private club and we were cool.

But…

when you follow.  And you are completely ignorant to what it is that you are following…

then you really are in the Twat Club.

Somehow, I’m going to have to change the wording and use this as an example for my kids.  To NOT be a follower.  To follow YOUR OWN inner voice…

To start your own club and not join the twat club!!

On Being a (Room) Mother… October 29, 2008

At the begining of the school year, my 5th grade daughter brought home a packet for parents.  In this packet was a bunch of sheets calling for parental volunteers.

So…because I have only one child left in the elementary school…

I signed them.

I figured, with only one kid in the elementary school…so much easier to volunteer my time!  Right?!

Besides, I ASSUMED that so many other parents would want to be active and volunteer.  Right?

And…when I signed up to be Room Mother…I figured that ALL the other moms would be signing up too…and the chances would be slim to none for me.  Right?

And…when I signed up to be the Picture Lady…I figured that ALL the other moms would be signing up too…and the chances would be slim to none for me.  Right?

WRONG!  WRONG!  WRONG!!

But did I ever get an email informing me of my postition as room mother?  NOPE!

Did I ever get an email informing me of my postition as ArtSmart Lady?  NOPE!

I found out I was room mother because my daughter started bringing me money and checks for the class parties.

I found out about ArtSmart when I got an email confirming the time I’d make an appearance.

Well…

It’s all fine and good.

I pulled myself together.

I did a presentation on Faith Ringold for the 5th graders.  I SUCKED!!

I’m planning a Halloween party.   Not completely planned yet because…

I SUCK!!

And yeah…I know…Halloween is Friday.  Don’t fret.  I’m good under pressure.  Even though it’ll SUCK!!

But.

My daughter is so excited that I’m the HEAD Room Mother.

And the stinking Picture Lady.

Just like I used to be so excited when my mom was the Room Mother.

AND…the Picture Lady.

Just like my daughters children will be excited for her to be involved in their school.

And that is REALLY what it’s all about.

The little things.

To make your children happy.

Even if you think you suck at it.

Your children think you’re wonderful.

And it makes them proud.  And it makes them happy.

And they are able to look back on their childhood and see that you cared.  Because…you were an active participant in their life!

That, to me…is why I didn’t complain about not being informed in a proper fashion.  Because my daughter…is so excited.  And proud.  And happy.

And that…is what it’s all about!

You Can’t Teach An Old Bitch New Tricks… October 25, 2008

Once upon a time there was a Mommy dog.  We’ll call her…um…Bee Atch.

Well, Bee Atch had a litter of five puppies.  And she controlled these puppies with an electronic collar and a remote controlled zapper.   These puppies knew not to mess with Mommy Bee Atch or they would be zapped…bad.

The puppies grew into mature dogs.  With major issues.

Some of them went on to have litters of their own.

But Bee Atch made sure those electronic collars NEVER were removed.  And every time she thought her grown puppies were getting out of line…she zapped them.  And they would whimper.  Then do what they thought Bee Atch wanted them to do.

So…one puppy…er…mature stud…had a litter with one stray dog.  That litter produced two mutts.  But…the pairing didn’t last.   Because…once a stray dog, always a stray dog.

Anyway…

That stud went on to meet Pedigree.  She had two purebred pups from her first litter.

Pedigree the purebred and the mature stud decided to mate for life.  And…then they had a litter together.  One little purebred pup.

But Bee Atch wasn’t happy.

Her black sheep dog child.  How dare he have more puppies.  With a PEDIGREE!!

So…Bee Atch decided…she would punish her puppy…er…mature stud…

by withholding affection and spoiling from the purebred puppy that his second mating had produced.

One day, she took the Mutts shopping…

Lavishly bestowing winter clothing and boots and socks and pants and…well…everything…upon them.

After this shopping spree at Mutts “R” Us…she returned to her son’s den.  Ladened down with packages.

Marked “For Mutts Use Only!”

Then…she turned her nose up at the first two purebred children from the pedigree Mommy doggys first mating.

And…

She patted the top of the newest puppies head.

And told him that she thought his fur cut looked nice.

She did not care that his pants were flood-ish on him.

She did not care that he needed boots and a winter jacket to keep his poor little paws from frost bite.

Bee Atch…does NOT CARE about this little pup.  Because she DID NOT want him.  She DOES NOT want him.

Bee Atch…

is a BEEATCH.

So little Pedigree Pup…

doesn’t even give Bee Atch a nose rub…or even a leg hump or even a raised eyebrow or ear wiggle…

But the sad thing is…

Little Pedigree Pup was invited to go with his Pedigree Grandparents.

And Little Pedigree Pup, because of how he is treated by Bee Atch…

wanted to know…

if he Pedigree Grandparents REALLY wanted him to go with them.

Because he is used to Bee Atch and her treatment towards him.

So Pedigree Mommy rubbed noses with Pedigree Pup and assured him that his Pedigree Grandparents…

LOVE and ADORE him and…

they really, really want to take him with them to a Puppy Halloween Party.

And just because Bee Atch is a beeatch, it doesn’t mean that all grandparents are like that!!

So Pedigree Pup shook his tail.  And is in search of his Ninja Pup costume.

To head out with Pedigree Grandparents that care about him.  And will rub noses with him.  And scratch his itchy tail.  And minds that his pants are floods.  And get upset if his paws get frost bite.

Because Pedigrees are NOTHING like Beatches!

edit…

Feelings were hurt by the term Mutts.  No malicious intent was there by the usage of this term.  It was the only word I could think of at the particular moment.  So…my apologies.  So substitute the word Mutt for…oh, I don’t know…any type of dog you can think of…OK?  Again…my apologies to Mature Stud Puppy.

A Not So Desperate Housewife…The Sequel… October 24, 2008

Our last episode left the Suburban HOT housewife telling the lawn guy to blow it out his hole…well kinda anyway…

Who woulda thunk that there was going to be a sequel?  Well…apparently our landscaper has a bit of a something or another for this Suburban Momma.

Arriving home from work, I jumped out of my car and headed towards the door.  I wanted to grab a Coke Zero from the fridge before zipping off again to collect the muchkin from preschool.

The landscaper was parked at the other end of the circular driveway…and was mowing the lawn.

When he saw me, he shut off the mower and yelled out…

“Do you have a check for me?”

I replied…

“Sure…if you want a super ball for a check.  But…I promise to pay you next week.”  Then, being a smart ass…”Do you have any money for me…I saw some cute boots I wanted.”

He laughed.  “No one is paying me this week.”

“Sucks to be you.”  I said.

“Well…we can work out OUR bill.  I’ll take it in trade.”

Huh?

He wants a service for a service, right?  I mean…I AM assuming.  And you know what they say about people who assume things!!

So, I said…

“Sure.  How about…I’ll make you one of my crocheted purses or perhaps…a neckwarmer?  And then we’ll call it even.”

“NOT what I meant.”  he laughed, and turned away,  ready to go back to his business of fall clean-up.

Well…seeing as that is the only type of service that I am willing to offer…I guess he’s going to have to wait on payment.

I told my husband.  About this event.  And the previous one.  He laughed and said that the lawn guy is just joking around with me.

But I’m guessing if I said yes to any of these little propositions…he would, MOST DEFINITELY, prove that he is not joking.

Not about to find out though.

Besides…he isn’t very good with the bushes!